


Four Times He Hurt Himself And One Time He Tried Healing Himself

by imnotokay_imgay



Series: The Road To Healing Takes Love [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: 4+1, Fist Fights, Four plus One, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sleep Deprivation, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Trigger warnings guys, but not really because he never actually does it, drug overdose, sorry about how shit this is going to be
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:47:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24086089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnotokay_imgay/pseuds/imnotokay_imgay
Summary: What's up chucklefucks? This is just another one of those 4+1 stories, probably really shit since I've never actually written much before (especially not anything worth reading) so yeah, this is kinda just whatever so I have something on my page I guess. TW in the notes.
Series: The Road To Healing Takes Love [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1749772
Comments: 2
Kudos: 1





	Four Times He Hurt Himself And One Time He Tried Healing Himself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [addicted_2_fandoms](https://archiveofourown.org/users/addicted_2_fandoms/gifts).



> Sup chucklefucks, I'm someone who does rubbish writings that aren't going to get me anywhere but are mildly fun to write at three in the morning, have fun.
> 
> TW:  
> \- Implied self harm  
> \- Drug overdose  
> \- Attempted suicide but doesn't happen (mentioned but not in detail)  
> \- Absent parents/drunk parents  
> \- Slurs against lgbt+ community (I have nothing against it, I'm part of it, I love all you guys in it, I'm sorry it's in here)
> 
> Also, this if for @addicted_2_fandoms because veair absolutely amazing and deserve all the love in the world so if you ever talk shit about them then you can fucking fight me ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
> 
> Nox

**Number One: November 29, 2017  
**He hadn't meant to end up in hospital. He had just...misjudged slightly. How was he supposed to know that taking seven pills instead of two would have such disastrous consequences? Okay, he had known. But somehow he found that he didn't care. So he was in pain. What else was new? And as he lay alone in the silent hospital ward he remembered bitterly exactly why he didn't care. He was alone, and his parents probably had no idea he was even here. The school had done a production of the musical Hamilton. He gotten the part of Thomas Jefferson, the biggest role he'd ever gotten in a play. He'd been so proud the day he'd found out that he was successful. He'd run home to tell his parents, only to find neither of them home, not that that was unusual. But when he had told them, they'd promised to come and watch him perform. He'd reminded them that morning too, and they had told him to look for them, that they would be there tonight. But they weren't. They never were. So alone he had made his way home that evening. As he walked in the front door he could smell something sour and heavy, overlaid by the sharp smell of alcohol. As he walked quickly down the hallway he caught a glimpse of a figure sprawled in an armchair, half a dozen bottles on the floor around her, the smell of vomit and alcohol assaulting his nostrils. His mother, his precious beloved mother, passed out drunk again, not bothering to remember that she had a son, a seventeen year old child, who relied on her for food and clothing and love and usually went with almost none of each of them because she squandered all the money she had on alcohol. He went straight to his bedroom, ignoring her presence in the house, trying to shut out everything around him and relive the beautiful moments on stage, when he was just Thomas Jefferson, not a high school boy with a drunk mother. And his father, his amazing versatile father, was also not home. Bitter thoughts flooded his mind. _He's probably still out on his latest affair._ He lay in bed, tossing and turning, unable to sleep. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water and a tablet to help him sleep. He downed two sleeping tablets with quick sips of water, hesitating for a only split second before throwing down another five of them, consequences be damned. He needed to sleep, to get away from all of this for a while. His phone rang. A fellow actor, calling to ask if he wanted to go out the next day for a celebration party for the success of the musical. But as the voice explained what was happening, he stumbled, dizziness overwhelming him. He fell to his knees with a quiet thump, cursing softly under his breath. Speaking wasn't a good idea though, it set him coughing. He squeezed his eyes shut as he coughed, his head pounding and his stomach churning. He stopped coughing for a minute, opening his eyes to see blood splatters staining the floor in front of him. He let out another quiet curse, coughing again, realising that the other boy was still on the phone to him, calling out to him, calling his name urgently, asking him what was happening. Then the curtain fell and the lights went down, and it was dark and quiet and peaceful.

\-----------

 **Number Two: February 28, 2018  
**"Faggot."  
The boy spat the word at him, as though it were a poisonous word, the worst insult imaginable. And to him, it was. All around him were people, still and silent, expressionless. He felt even more alone than usual. Some of the boys who'd been in the play with him were there, not saying or doing anything to help him. And the other boy stood there, smirking at him.  
"Cat got your tongue, Tanner? I thought you actor types always had something to say."  
He grinned tauntingly at him. So he stepped in, throwing a straight left into his stomach. Christopher Adams, big shot school bully, had made one remark too many to just the wrong person. Christopher looked surprised, like he had never expected it. He probably never had, no one had ever punched him before, never dared to do anything more than cower in front of him. He was intimidating, taller than most of the boys and heavily muscled from boxing. But enough was enough. Then punches were flying. He felt a fist graze his cheek, felt Christopher's nose crack under another punch of his, a huge blow to his shoulder, his knuckles splitting open, blood trickling down his cheek and neck...then there were arms grabbing him, pulling him back, restraining him, and he realised that Christopher was being pulled away too. Another boy was pulling him away. Then, as the roaring in his ears died down, he realised that he was being spoken to, quietly and gently, as if he were a good person, worth something. The voice was one he had heard before but couldn't place.  
"James, James, enough. That's enough, calm down, James."  
No one had ever called him Jamie or Jem before. He pulled himself free of the stranger behind him, seeing Christopher across the opposite side of the circle, his nose streaming blood and a huge bruise forming just under one eye. He turned and walked away, not saying a word, not turning to look at the person who had pulled him away, the familiar but unfamiliar voice. He never once suspected that it was the other actor, the one on the phone. And he had no idea exactly how much he would come to wish he had known the boy earlier.

\--

 **Number Three: March 6, 2018  
**Spring was awful. James hated summer. It was hot and sticky, and sweat ran down his body, and there was too much pollen so everyone was sneezing almost constantly and it drove him mad. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had to play rugby for PE even though it wasn't rugby season, when he was fine playing on the school team. To top off a terrible situation, there were a dozen deep cuts around his left hip, and they were stinging from the sweat running into them. Judging from the sticky feeling of the hem of his black and navy blue sport shirt, some of them had come open and where bleeding again. _Fantastic. Bloody amazing, I get to bleed to death in the middle of PE._ As the two dozen boys staggered to the bathrooms, he wondered exactly how he would hide the blood under his school shirt, which unlike the sports polos, was pale blue. That issue turned out to be solved when he ran into a boy at his locker. He held out a few items to James. A tube of cream, designed to speed up the healing of cuts and bruises with a mild numbing effect. He also held out a a dozen lengths of bandage. He gave James a faint smile.  
"I had a study period and I was watching the rugby game. You seemed to be in a bit of pain. I carry this around and I thought maybe you could use some. I thought maybe your shoulder was bothering you from the fight. "  
Then he shooed James towards the bathrooms. James hurried into a cubicle to change. He cleaned away the blood with a few bits of toilet paper, smeared some cream over the cuts and wrapped a few of the bandages around his hips before hurriedly throwing on his uniform. When we walked back out he found the other boy waiting for him. He handed him back the cream and extra bandages, admiring the way his black hair curled in the humid heat.  
"Thanks...um-"  
The boy took the items back and tucked them into a pocket. His bright blue eyes twinkled and he seemed cheerful. He also seemed to know exactly what James was thinking, since he went a small way to introducing himself. Then, checking the time on his watch, started and realised that they were going to be late for class.  
"I played George Washington in the play. You have biology now, don't you? In room 2B with Mr. Hogan?"  
James nodded, astonished that this boy knew where he had class, what class it was, and who his teacher was, and he didn't even know the name of the other boy. They walked together in the direction of his classroom and the other boy threw a cheerful grin at him, reading his mind again.  
"I have history in 4B with Ms. Samuels whenever you're in 2B, so I just took a guess based on what I know."  
Then no more was said, because they had reached James' classroom and they parted ways.

\---

 **Number Four: October 24, 2018**  
It was extremely fair to say that James was a mess. His usually neat chocolate brown hair looked as if it hadn't been combed or brushed in a week. His eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot. Deep shadows hung under his eyes, and his cheekbones stood out sharply. His uniform, usually neatly pressed and tucked in, was hanging half untucked and full of creases. His shoes, normally shiny and well polished, were scuffed and not tied properly. His tie, which he always made sure was straight and tidy, was also wrinkled and hung in a loose knot around his neck. He was slumped against the wall of the library, right under the window, and open book sitting in his lap. His eyes were shut, but no one was looking in his direction. No one ever did. It was James Tanner, after all. He was just another boy, of average height, who did well in class and played rugby during the season. He was shy and didn't talk much in class. But for some reason, the boy who had played George Washington was watching him. He had no idea why he did it, but he did. He watched the James' appearance gradually getting more and more haggard, saw the shadows appearing under his eyes, noted the way his uniform hung off him, the way he shivered and his hands shook when he was writing. And the boy who played George Washington was the only one who noticed. He walked over to James, who didn't see him coming due to his eyes being shut. When he got there, he sat down in front of James. He saw James' eyes flutter open, struggling to focus on him. This close up, he could see that James' skin was pale, and his lips were bloody and had teeth marks.   
"When was the last time you slept properly?"  
James stared at him, looking lost. Then he answered, his voice quiet and alarmingly faint.  
"Four months, give or take a few weeks."  
The other boy was horrified. That was why James looked like this? Either way, he'd come over for a reason: so that James wouldn't be alone. And the first step to that was introducing himself.  
"I realised that I've never properly introduced myself. My name's William Green. You can call me Will though, if you want to."  
He held out his hand to James, suddenly anxious that James might reject his offer of friendship. But James blinked sleepily at him, the corners of his lips twitching up into something that could pass as a smile. He looked utterly drained, but he roused himself enough to take Will's hand and shake it. Will let out a deep breath.  
"Call me Jamie, please. Everyone calls me James, but you're not like everyone else. Except my parents, they call me Jem. But I don't like it much. "  
Will was alarmed again at how quiet James' voice was but he hid it behind a bright smile. Close up there were even more obvious signs that something was wrong. His skin was pale under his natural tan, his eyelids were sunken and they fluttered shut again, his lips were bloody and covered in teeth marks. But before he could make a comment to James, the bell went. The last class of the day. He stood up and held out a hand to James, who took it, and stood up, almost all his weight on Will. When he was finally standing again, he slumped against the wall. So Will stood next to him and put one of James' arms around his shoulders. He spoke in a low voice, the same way he had when he'd pulled James out of the fight, unable to stand by and watch him get hurt. James was all lean muscle, and Will could feel the sharp bones of his ribs as he supported him.  
"Where do you have class, Jamie? I'll take you there."  
James' eyes opened again, but it looked as if he were struggling to keep them open, and his reply was slightly slurred and he leaned on Will.  
"7D."  
Even just saying that seemed to drain more of his fast failing energy. Judging from the room, he had software with Ms. Bogel. Will took him, moving slowly and making sure he didn't fall. By the time they reached the classroom James looked slightly more alert, the moving having woken him up enough that he wasn't leaning on Will anymore. He turned to Will.  
"Thanks again. Better get to class."  
So Will did, running to the other side of the campus to reach his room, sliding into his seat seven seconds before he was almost marked as late.

\----------

 **Number Five: January 22, 2019**  
_"Hey Will? It's Jamie. I'm at the River Café. I was wondering if you could meet me here. I wanted to talk to you. I'll be here until midday but if you can't come then that's fine."_  
He checked his phone. Fourteen minutes ago. So Will walked out of the house, grabbing a hoodie on the way out and sending a message to tell his parents he was going out to meet a friend. He walked to the River Café, another nine minutes gone. When he walked in he saw James sitting in a booth in one corner. Walking over to him, he plopped himself down opposite James and picked up a menu. After a few minutes he hailed a waitress and ordered coffee and chocolate chip waffles for both of them. They say together, enjoying the hot waffles and coffee, talking idly of what the year might be like. Then came the serious topics. James explained why he had called Will. On the opposite side of the city was a place called Bloodset Point. It was a high cliff, looking out over the ocean. Its name came from the fact that every sunset reflected off the water, turning it the colour of blood. But the other reason it had the name was because of its more recent legacy. It was a spot where many people had committed suicide, isolated and peaceful and beautiful. And that was why James had been there. He had given up. But as he was standing on the edge of the cliff he had felt the weight of his phone in his pocket. And he had pulled it out and seen the lock screen picture. It was from Christmas day, when he and Will had gone out for part of the day. Their cheeks were flushed and their hair dusted with snow, and they awful Christmas sweaters. Will's was red and had tiny gold stars on it. James' was green and had a huge silver snowflake. And when he had seen it, he had remembered all the times Will had held him up, supported him. So instead of throwing himself down it, he had walked back to the café and called Will. And the whole time he was thinking about Will, pulling him away from the fight, giving him cream and bandages when he after PE, walking to class, giving him a Christmas sweater, inviting him to celebrate after the play.  
"So, Will, I wanted to say thank you, in person. You saved my life today."  
And he smiled at Will, genuine and warm and hopeful, and Will smiled back.  
"Thank you for letting me save you, Jamie."  
And they sat together, enjoying each others company, laughing and drinking more coffee. It was cold outside, but it was warm inside, and for the first time in a long time, James was just happy to sit and let himself enjoy the company of another person without worrying about what was happening at home or whether Will would abandon him. It was peaceful.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo rhymes with mayo chucklefucks. Hope you enjoyed the first part of this series. I will be continuing it at the suggestion of addicted_2_fandoms.
> 
> Nox


End file.
